Getting stuck

Arrrgghhh< not again!. This is becoming a norm for me these days. I suppose I need to sit still, keep calm, slow down find a way to really attune to what is happening around me. I last went to see my supervisor, or get feedback from her on Monday 20th October, how can I forget that day, it's my son's birthday. :-) Anyway, the feedback was ugly. I felt like I have been wasting my supervisor's time this WHOLE year! I mean really this back and forth since March, WHAT! She sent me on my way, more confused than before, but also meant to start afresh and not just rehash the chapter I have already. Then the humane-ness kicked in and she called me back the following morning. with the best news ever, work on/ concentrate only on Possible Selves and Collective Futures. That was music to my ears. I got back to the office, downloaded all material I thought fir, even went to the library to look for more readers. FOUND, DONE, then started the reading, joined a colleague's "Shut up n Write" session. But still going around and around in circles, till I finally submitted on Friday, 14 November. The very fateful day when merilly on my way back home, my car got stuck. Reminded me that it afterall a machine and does breakdown now and again. But more glaring, was the message, I need to finish my studies so that I can be able to afford this car and all its maintenance issues. I had just recovered from a week of taking Obz  to work in the mornings cos his car was being painted. That was done, succesfully, but it is also a story for another day... Now today, as I write this entry, I got stuck in my own house this morning. Obz and his moods and issues... He left in a huff this morning and locked T and I inside the house, lol, It is actually funny, I know he didn't mean it, he thought I had my keys, but because of his stubbornness, he didn't even ask if I'll be ok, he just left. Saying he'll tell me what's wrong, when I am willing to listen. Ok, so I'll be stuck in this moment, stewing on these thoughts until I am ready to hear what I did, to upset mr. man. Till next time :-)

Growing...

As part of the journey we grow older. I turned 37 yesterday, wow! So much has been happening in my life in the past couple of weeks. Also so much has happened in our country. On Monday we woke up to the news that the Bafana Bafana team captain had been killed. Yho he was only 27 years old. I got so scared didn't even want to post anything just in case I don't see my birthday. MY! then I also found out that an Athletic Olympian medallist was killed in a car crash, and then a female professional boxed had died of a coma in hospital. My word! all these people who are the hope of our youth had passed, untimely so! All I could do was stop for a moment and say Thank you God for my life. Thank You that I can wake up and complain about the life I have. I have been given so many opportunities to make a difference, to be the beacon of light for these youngsters. and that I will be. As I grow older, I want to show that I have learned, I have lived, I have journeyed. May this M. journey come to an end already...

Financing the journey

As much as I try to deny/ ignore finances in my life... They are very much a big part of my life. I kept job hopping throughout my life because I would find my salary not meeting my monthly needs. This was before I even had a family. So when I was pregnant, I had to think long and hard about  ways and means to cover my expenses. I was very much aware that my financial decisions were not good enough to sustain myself, what more my baby. *wideeyed! Anyway, the next best decision came as a dream, it came in the form of an opportunity to upgrade my studies. I was accepted to the Masters in Psychology programme. That was amazing! Sending my letter of resignation to work and telling them "Sorry I'm going back to study full time" was great. Not without anxiety and fear about the road ahead. I tried making some inroads with my debtors, telling companies not to deduct money, shifting the AA insurance responsibility to Mali for her car. Being able to say No I can't when I'm tempted to buy something for my mom. It took a lot out of me, but it had to be done. I did have some money saved from the retirement payout of Netcare, so that was to pay the car, the loans, the travel to class daily. Wow! only God knows how that worked out. I blame Him for this hard headed self He put in me. (sometimes I think my son takes that from me, psst, I don't want to admit it though). I had a very rocky year financially, I had nothing to count on, at least when I was still working, I'd be without money, then fall on a credit card, or take a loan/ advance from the bank or Woolies. This time there was nothing. Standard Bank who I had shelved because of their stupid interest rate, came crawling out of the woodworks and scared the living daylights out of my mom. I mean they called her to tell he I was defaulting on payments and they had a judgement against me. Ok in a way that helped cos she paid that instalment. But it meant I had to make arrangements. It's funny how "loving" these banks are when they want your money, I mean when you go borrow from them, but when the tables turn, they want nothing from you. FNB instead closed my bank account, citing "fraudulent activity". What is fraudulent activity when there is INactivity on an account, hahahahhaha. Yep, that was an eye opener, a hard cold wake up call for me. No money, but life is meant to go on my dear. and that it did, I had to make visits to family, smile as if nothing is wrong. sit in the library do assignments, while thinking about a sickly grandmother and on top of that, get an sms that your car will be repossessed at any time... Sjoe, yeah, ke lewe Joe! I've just wateched the One Rand Man campaign by Sanlam and that's the reason I mustered the courage to write and finish this blog post. We are all on our unique journeys, I keep thinking if only I was earning R35000 I'd be better, as far as calculated this guy earns around there, but on the last day of the month he only had R6 left. Yep, so it's not the amount of money you earn, but rather the way you respect money and use it accordingly that matters...

As we drive by

As we drive by, we forget courtesy, we forget to say Thank and God bless you and mean it! I almost didn't allow this car to come in front of me on N3 before van Buuren this morning. By the way, that's the spot I saw that horrible accident last week Friday. Anyway, this can had indicated, I mean I had just allowed another car to come past, I had done my good deed for the day. DONE! So I begrudgingly allowed the car though, and the driver, actually flicked hazard lights and raised her hand to thank me, acknowledge the gesture. I am pleased. Now that is the moment I felt I had done  my deed. Thank you Lord for people who are still grateful in this day and age. It was actually an elderly lady ;-)

Hosting

Hosting visitors is never easy. Whether in the comfort of your own home, well especially not at work, where you don't know where everything is. On getting to the airport tired, sweaty and all, with my own plane being delayed, I waited for our 4 visitors. I got to receive the call from the Shuttle, and waited to show them to the shuttle. This bus took them to Pretoria, I was feeling sad for them by then, thinking they don't even know where they are going, they are being ferried off, it's so late, there's not even food waiting for them.  Saturday they were left on their own. They told me however, that they went to Menlyn by taxi. That was nice of them, adventurous. Sunday, very early in the morning, I went to get them from the Guesthouse after checking if our venue was ready and speaking to Prof re: coffee and stationery and stuff. I really appreciate Thandeka for making that possible, stationery etc. The process took the whole day. Monday morning, same thing, fetching them, taking them for errands (even met Jabu at Hatfield)etc. Tuesday, only Joachim agreed to meet with the OUT team, the others were disgruntled. Granted! We had not given them a good experience. They were not given a stipend, had not planned for supper. I mean it was  a disaster! Then Obs had the audacity to accuse me of not doing my work. That Prof. took it for granted that as a marketing person I would have all things sorted, all boxes ticked. I didn't, I dropped the ball. I felt horrible. I tell you I have not been getting good sleep from Friday until Wednesday when I dropped the last two at the airport. Yes, you heard rigth, on my holiday, my family and I came to Pretoria to fetch the delegates to the airport because of Unisa redtape. and again, I felt responsible. I felt I had to make things right, but of course the damage was already done. Our visitors felt unwelcomed, felt disappointed that their trip was worthless. They had not even reached the objective of getting a paper out. Even at the congress, Neil had pinched their money, saying because  they ate supper at the Papu meeting, Papu launch and then congress party. I didn't want to state these visitors titles at the beginning, because that's exactly what happened to me. I only knew them as students, only on interacting with them do I find out that they are actually Established scholars: Joseph - a Deputy Vice Chancellor, Jessica - an Associate Professor, Lusajo, a senior lecturer and Joachim a Psychosocial counsellor. Yho! Don't judge a book by its cover. Don't underestimate the origins of an individual. Ubuntu must be preached for everyone, it must practiced regardless of the title. Thanks for the lesson.

Watching from the other side of the street...

I can't believe it's been so long since I last wrote anything. So much has happened in the interim. I have been working at the PsySSA Johannesburg office for quite a bit. Nosipho is no longer working there, which is a pity cos she knew everything about the running of that office. With the Congress coming along, we worked very hard and at times only left the office after 17:30, which is something I'm not used to anymore. It was a different, but interesting side of things to look at. A bit of a side conversation happened, where i was somewhat offered a job at PsySSA offices. As interested as that sounds, I don't think I want it. What will I be? What role will I play. I really would like to keep the Research side of things going. It's funny how, the reason I write today stems from a conversation which took place about 3 weeks ago!!! On an academic level, I've had to ask my supervisor to give me time to compose myself. I asked to be allowed to present at the Congress. With some nudging she agreed. That was an amazing experience on its own. I left Johannesburg on Monday, 15 Sept, Obie took me to the airport, that was really sweet of him. Well not after having to bring me to Unisa to do some last minute planning and bring assignments. The Congress itself was great. Meeting people, being revered, when people see you and say it's nice to see the face, from my sting at the PsySSA office. On Thursday I was so anxious and nervous, I couldn't attend many presentations. In between all that, I had to plan the Africa delegates session, Joburg/ Pretoria leg. Yho... That's a discussion for another post. All went well, if I may say so myself. I even got a contact for work that can be collaborated. I am happy.

Put my feet up

As much as I couldn't afford to :-) I put my feet up on Sunday. I went to the Methodist church for a service there, instead of attending church with Obie. Came back home, cooked lunch, and sat to watch TV.Yes, I don't know when was the last time I could do that. When Obs came back from church, he ate then went to sleep. I watched Good Deeds and The Bucket List. Both thought provoking beautiful movies. I really enjoyed that. I think in my heart of hearts I am ready to let things be. I will be forwarding my notice of intention to submit on Tuesday, 30th September. It really finalises the journey. I must really start thinking about the way forward.  I am optimistic, scared, but optimistic. T is still the highlight of my life, so lovely I tell you. I really am blessed. Thank you Father God!

From the other side of the street

A view from across the street is always interesting. It's either we see all rosy, bloomed up or, just the lifeless, grey even thorn bush. It's really by coming closer to the bush that we get the actual account of what's happening exactly. This statement stems from a conversation I had yesterday with a senior in our department. She recently received a Women of the Year award from Unisa. Wow! I thought, how does she do it? She must be very clever, she must have had a silver spoon in her mouth? Hmm, little did I know that she started off just like you and I, ok, Me and I, lol. Very very strange how she started off, wow. She dropped out of varsity while pursuing a Medical degree. (Remind you of anyone;-)) She became a PA in one of the departments, studied hard and found herself obtaining a PhD. She was still willing to continue as an administrator in that department, had the principal not moved her to ours. She was uprooted due to "Logistical and structural imbalances", her qualification allowed her to be moved to Senior lecturer position. She explains how she had to fight on occasion to receive grants to attend seminars etc, just because her job description was not in line with her qualifications. Her story resonated so well with me. I saw my story unfolding in this manner, to such an extent that I knew right there and then that what I was going through, the "woe's me" moment I was having, was just temporary and nothing and no one was stopping my qualification acquisition phase. I choose happiness, I choose to win, I choose to stand on the right side of the street. Where all odds are in my Favour.

As we soldier on...

As we soldier on, through  different avenues. My sister left on Monday, 18th August. My son doesn't understand yet, but somehow he couldn't stop clinging to her. Saying goodbye is never easy, just as my dear friend Carien said on her msg. I am happy for her, and I know that should I have had the chance I would've also. She has just shown me that everything is possible. That I can just fly to the other side of the world, and send a msg to say"safely arrived." *HHHHHAAA these kids. As I soldier on with my dissertation, it it is getting tiring and cumbersome. After last week Wednesday's research meeting I was so upbeat. The weather also really helped, so I got a chance to look at my wardrobe and try change it accordingly. I am preparing myself as a new Masters graduate. Kitty had indicated that it is possible to finish and hand in our papers by November this year. I have been getting feedback and changing my work consistently so far, until this morning. I woke up at 2am, hoping to do a whole weekend's work. She caught me out, I feel so stupid. Thanks to a chat from Fortunate, I know that I can make it, I know that I can stand no matter what may come my way. My life is in God's hands. I've come too far to back down now. My deciding to come back and study has been a very topsy turvy ride, and I wouldn't wish anyone to go my route. Leave everything on a wing and a prayer, ignore creditor calls and wish "izikoloto" away. I am almost at the finish line. I can see the prize and the future is bright, I must just finish. Kitty must just hang in there and offer her support one last time,. I promise I won't dissapoint. Sunday at church they were talking about Favour, and I could align my life according to this lady's testimony. Helen is her name and she is a dignitary who has been through a lot, miscarriages, ectopic preganancies, a poor background, but she made it. has her qualifications now after being a domestic worker. I CAN... Aluta continua!

Jetting off

Saturday, 9th August was my sister's farewell party at home. She is jetting off to South Korea in a week. She has always been a jet-setter, a trend-setter. Always looking for opportunities and grabbing them with both hands. I mean already at primary school she wanted to go off to boarding school. I am happy, I am anxious, I can't wait for her to send pictures. I was even saying to her, I'll make sure I set up my data bundles well, so that I can access Instagram :-) It was really a great day, a day of celebrations and gratitud-ing lol!

Connecting the dots backwards

I used Steve Jobs story for my Psychobiography last year. Incidentally, today is the day he was hired back at Apple, a company he started. Hmm gets you thinking neh!

Connecting the dots backwards

I used Steve Jobs story for my Psychobiography last year. Incidentally, today is the day he was hired back at Apple, a company he started. Hmm gets you thinking neh!

Appreciate the journey

Starting Monday, I'm taking my friend, Claire Pollit's challenge. She is naming 3 things that she is grateful for for the next 5 days. I have so much to be grateful for. I know the marking of Assignment scripts is a headache,a nightmare, but it's shown me a different side to life. I am now able to advise Obs when he write his assignments. :-) I will be a better student as well, knowing how to think as the receiver. Going back to Dr. Hoppers' presentation, "Think like the consumer, not the supplier"... It's today 11/08/2014- I just heard a song on Ukhozi FM I think it's by Byron Cage it goes "I heard God tell me that praises confuse the devil. so i started singing, I started praising 'cos I knew that whatever pain I'm going through, God would take it away. " Absolutely stunning!

The Road to Transformation

I attended the Community Engagement Discourse and Theory workshop. What an eye opener!? I attended hoping to hear about the actual theory that underlies Community Engagement. Typical Psychology-thinking me... Anyway, was taken aback by the facilitator, I suspected that was her as she walked into the room, she greeted, personally handshook each one of us. The concepts used were mostly Philosophical and quite abstract, but wow! they got me  thinking. She gave the presentation and then allowed us to "chat" about that. According to the presenter Dr. Catherine Odora-Hoppers, the workshop was aimed at understanding how when aware of a situation that needs change, we become the agents of that change. However, in an attempt to influence these changes, we need to be aware of the discourses that underlie individual consciousness and the structural determinants that abound us. She defined Violence on three levels,  Direct, structural and cultural violence. Therefore, as the agents of change we might find ourselves actually carrying processes that cloud the consequences of our actions. She reminded us to be real, to be human before we are discipline focused. To step out of our disciplines, and allow life to teach us how to go about being alive! To be aware that communities are formed by exclusions, and we must be very careful, who we exclude in the communities we approach. We are blinded by the understanding that we come to communities as experts, "Reaching out". Ultimately, we have the power to frame things, the power to change the way people think. We need to be aware that as individuals we hold the key to the door to strategic change. Now and again during the presentation, she reminded us to Breathe! This workshop was not just about Community engagement as expected on our IPMS, it was a lifeskills workshop which I'll take into my life as a whole, with every human interaction I face. How I summed up the presentation, "Be aware of your power, it is not about occupying a post!"

Road Trip Field Trip ...

Friday, 25th July was the day of the drive to North West University - Mafikeng Campus. My son slept over at my mom's house. As early as 4:15 hubby and I were up and about preparing for the day. By 5:20 we were around Sandton, and knowing my hubby too well... We started at church for travel blessings. Called my mentor, Angelo Fynn, with whom I was travelling only to find that he was stuck in traffic. Had early morning coffee at McD's, what a waste of money, that was ugly coffee :-( 6:30 the trek started, relying on the GPS to take us through, our journey started. This changes of town names, very interesting, where we found ourselves ensuring that Mafikeng is actually Mahikeng. Wanting to ensure the GPS is correct, realising that it's directing you away from Potchefstroom. A relief and a concern at the same. I mean, it meant moving further away on this lonely road filled with corn fields and just stretches of road (N14). Halfway stop at Ventersdorp - a real half way stop showing a further 2 hours of travel expected. We finally made it to Mafikeng and found the campus with no hassles. What a beautiful structure it is, new and clean; ordely. Found our way to the "Psychology department" - only to find that that was actually the Students Counselling Centre. The Association of Psychology students exec made of the PRO and secretaries came to welcome us. The Chairperson ms. Masedi and her deputy also came through and directed us to the actual hall where we set up banners and handed out PsySSA pamphlets to attendees. Most of the students who came through to the launch were second and third year undergraduate  Psychology students. It felt good to be amongst such passionate young people, focused and level headed students who know what they want out of life. Students who are willing to share their vision and invite others to assist them in ensuring that the vision is kept alive.The Head of the department, Dr. Botha opened the ceremony, Dr Setlogelo, Petro Erasmus and Meandi Erasmus were also part of the panel of experts from the School of Social Sciences and Psychology department.  Mr. Angelo Fynn was called to speak as the Chairperson of the Student division at PsySSA and he did a wonderful job. He commended the students, the team the executives for their team work and ensuring that the day was a success. He introduced PsySSA as a representative platform for students and advised them that the job of continuing the psychology profession  starts with each and everyone of them in the room. The day was wrapped with a meeting between us, as PsySSA representatives, the Association for Psychology students and Human Sciences students committee. The discussion was focused on the way forward, continuing the contact and collaborative efforts between PsySSA and the Association for Psychology Students. PsySSA and its trade union activities were outlined and ways to network and gain info and assistance from other university associations were identified. There was a request for more brochures to be left behind for the Psychology students and/ or more to be couriered to the campus. There was a promise from some of the students, for the conference attendance in Durban. It was a great "outing", but it is only the beginning, many more collaborative meetings still need to be held.

Going on a road trip :-)

I am going on an actual road trip tomorrow. *Bigsmile. My boss and I are driving to North West University Mafikeng Campus for a launch of the Association of Psychology Students. I can't wait. The invitation came as such an honour. Following the IPMS process where I was asking myself all sorts of questions, this comes at the right time. I had quite a morning: the growing up journey, *hidesfaceinhands... My son slept throughout the night, from around 6pm then woke up at 12:40 thinking it's daytime already. He wanted to play, go to gogos, eat.OMW! Anyway, I have learnt my lesson, no more allowing him to sleep through without a proper supper. and the Obz says I'm unfair on the child. REALLY!

Luggage

There is a bag that accompanies every journey that we undertake. I can't stop thinking about the different bags I use for every trip that I take. There's a small one for going to the shops/ to the bank bag. There's my big, bulky books bag that I carry with me daily to work. Whether I get to read all those articles is another story, for another day, but yeah, it makes me look important and busy. :-) There's the slouchy baby bag which fits T's toys, cups, change of clothes, biscuits etc. Yho! that bag has it tough! Lol. I take this analogy of luggage as part of the journey of life. What I'm trying to say is, do you know what is being packaged in your bag? What are you learning as you journey through life? Do you carry things in your bag that can be used for others to learn from and grow? I had to fill in my performance review forms at work, I couldn't believe just how much I'm busy with. It shocked me to see that some of the stuff I consume endless hours on, is actually half of what I need to be actually working on, lol! So yeah! my question today is, are you carrying and adding relevant stuff into your personal luggage? Personal luggage also known as, your personal profile.

As we journey together

Today's song in my heart is Bebe Winans' "It all comes down to love". I cannot stop smiling thinking just how much God loves me. I have loving family, Sunday was confirmation of that. A wonderful spouse and beautiful young man. I singed my knuckles trying to steam pudding last night. My two men rushed around making me comfortable and pain free. :-) God has chosen and has aligned me to all these beautiful, amazing souls. We've just had a department information sharing session. It was great! Information about what will be expected of us when we submit our dissertations. Well it was meant more for those who are supervising or promoting students, and I got a chance to hear. God, is that you talking to me? Reminding me that it's not that far fetched an idea that I'll be submitting soon, that I'll have two articles extracted from my studies by the time I submit. Wow, I'm humbled. Thank you for reminding me that I'm not alone on this journey, as we journey forward together...

Still trotting along...

I may have started my analysis chapter, that is chapter 4 of 6, that sounds very impressive. But the truth of the matter is, I am still going back and forth learning and unlearning stuff. I had the honour of attending a writing retreat between 17 and 19  June, organised by the Directorate for Community Engagement. It was an eye opening session, really worthy. I enjoyed every moment. I had a slow start, what with getting to the venue late. *hidesfaceinhands. The three days were amazing, showed me that with determination and focus a lot can be achieved. I left with a paper in hand, all I need to do is just edit here and there and I'll be on my way to submitting. I just love pushing things out a bit, so I've promised myself that I'll submmit to a  journal in September. :-)

The journey starts with you...

I have had a few opportunities to be reminded that the power is in my hands. I have the power to turn any situation around. I've been procrastinating so much of late. I have had my Chapter 2 corrections at my disposal, but allowed all else to consume me. My personal life has been nothing short of an amazing roller coaster ride. I got married on 7 June, moved in with my hubby the following day. Taking up new roles is never easy no matter how prepared you may think you are. I had corrections to do for my dissertation, no such luck. I write today, a month later having only submitted on Friday. I am aware that the longer I take, the further I push my grad date. oops! had an interesting chat to an academic I look up to. I see myself in his office, but do not have a clearly charted route to how to get there. So yeah, today again I am reminded before his office can hold me by the hand and help me, I have to know where I want to go and see the destination. The journey will only start if I have the map?...

A growing/ grownup MA(RC)

I had just started working in the Psychology Department when I wrote this title. I am still a MARC student(growing up. I'm also a colleague of my lecturers (a grown up). Life is good!It's so amazing to see just how things fall into place at times. It takes so much for us as people to see this, but it happens and it's great!

As the journey continues, other journeys start

As the journey continues. I am not even sure where to start writing about all the changes that are happening in my life. The past 2 years have just whizzed trough, sending me on a whirlwind spin. The MARC journey still continues, and my life is going on parallel to this journey. My son is growing so fast, I can't keep up sometimes. lol! I'm so grateful to my partner who wants o do things right by me. Saturday, 7th June saw the culmination of the journey which started June 2012 when he "sent" delegates for lobola negotiations. As forceful as he is, he walked into the talks when one of his representatives couldn't make it. I'm glad now that he took the courage and started that part of the journey. Here we are now as partners, acknowledged traditionally during our Mahlabiso/ Umembeso ceremony. God you have been good to me, Too good in fact!